Active Roster

Media

Sponsors

View Archive

Whether it is baseball, soccer, wrestling, football, or just back to school the metaphor is the same.  That walk from the safety and security of the dugout to the batters box at home plate is the longest and most terrifying walk your child can take. How you manage their fears, your own trepidation, and the potential outbursts will be the most important contribution you can make.

Last week I met with an old friend.  It has been years since we sat and really talked.  Eventually,the conversation turned  to stories of children and accomplishments/struggles.  

He related to me an event that recently happened during his daughter's soccer match. All the girls on one team lined up to participate in a shootout facing the goalie so that each could take their kick my friend told me about a young girl far down on the line who likely would not even have to kick the ball who immediately burst into tears panicking over the potential stress and failure if she were to take a chance. My friend was confused by this and found it incredibly overdramatic for such a simple thing as a shootout where she would kick the ball towards the goalie hoping to get it past them. As I heard the story I began to see a young girl terrified and afraid of what it would be like to return to secure safe haven of our dugout if she missed her kick. I then began to wonder what it must of been like for her to leave the bench and head to the soccer field and what stresses and fear of failure she must've carried with her to react in such a way.

The fear of the unknown is one of the greatest challenges in stumbling blocks that any of us can experience. What if how can why would are all examples of the negative self talk I can oftentimes become rampant in our minds and keep us from achieving the great success that is capable of any of us. Build on top of that any lingering conversation that was had by a parent or a coach or even a teammate and this negative self talk can become even more damning. "How could you" "what were you thinking" "you know better" "are all examples of some of the terms that well intended and well-intentioned mentors often say to their young pupil. But each of these as a certain level of condescension that implies failure and intentional defeat on the part of the child.

When a child is leaving the safety of the dugout, they are exposing themselves to the vulnerability and the potential of failure. If they have been met with ridicule, shame, or excessive or abusive correction focusing solely on their lack or inability rather than their attempt and their possibility, the child will be faced with many uncertainties and the fear of failing that brings with it rejection and ridicule. Personalized shame can become the driving self talk shaping the child's actions. As parents and coaches of these children it is imperative that we do all that we shape their mindset to one of success and possibility. Learning the power and the potential that failure can bring will often increase a child's successes because it opens up their view of all possibility.

Three ways that any parent or mentor can interact with a child increasing their odds and the chances for success are:

1. Always address the child in the positive and with an attitude of success. One of the most defeating words in the English language is the word IF. "If you" brings with it the implication that they probably won't. Using the word WHEN expresses hope anticipation and potential. This subtle shift can often make a major difference.
2. Focus on what the child is doing correctly without badgering or harping on the deficits. The last thing that we want our child to think of as they head into a challenging and fearful situation is their last failure and everything that they do wrong. Our conversations with them and the words that we choose has a direct impact on shaping their self talk and the internal fortitude they carry with them.
3. Making sure they see us as a benefit and not a threat. In the book The Seven Principles of Positive Parenting I tell the story about my wrestling coach from high school. I lost a match because I did not follow his instructions and do exactly as he wanted me to do without ridicule and without shaming, he simply stated "if you do it the way that I tell you and you lose the losses on me. If you do it your own way and you lose the losses on you." He could've taken that chance to tell me everything in the match that I did wrong to point out all of the things that I could do next time that would make it better and increase my potential to win. Instead,he took the chance to welcome me back to the safety and security of the bench with all of my other teammates and counseled me instead of ridiculed me. I saw him as a true mentor and a friend knowing that he would never leave me astray, and he would always help me feel successful even when I failed. He did not candy coat anything. You do when you didn't do it correctly. But he also recognized that there was a distinct time for correction and counsel, and even more important time for nurture, support, and encouragement.

As we all get ready to send their children back to school for another year, or for some, to send your child to school for the first time, their walk from the safe haven and security of the dugout of your home to that vulnerable and dangerous place of the playing field where balls are being thrown at them and people are constantly trying to tag them out is a frightening and overwhelming experience. By following these three steps stated above you will increase the success of your child and their future successes by ensuring that they carry with them the positive and empowering self talk that you have given to them.

Until I write again please remember that,
"No relationship was ever harmed through validation and reflection."
Brett

P.S. To get my book at 30% off be sure to visit www.theartandjoy.com/book  it is currently on a prerelease cell of $12 until September 15 when orders will be placed and the book will normally sell for at least $18.

Share: https://romanceandmarriagetoday.steadytide.com/blog/Blog31/The-longest-walk-they-ll-ever-take-From-Dugout-to-Home

Please sign me up for the FREE electronic version of the newsletter and special reports. I understand I will also receive information about sales and services from The Art and Joy.

You will be added to The Art and Joy's mailing list.

You may also subscribe to the newsletter from An Open Mind Counseling and Neurobalancing.
If you choose to be removed from these lists, simply click to unsubscribe button at the bottom of all emails.

NB-BST Newsletter Enrollees
Email*

* Required field

Quick Links:

Latest News


View Archive