Like us at 

"Spanking is a useful form of discipline" read the article headline.

I feel that it is necessary to address one area of “discipline” that is commonly accepted and practiced. Spanking foremost, but any form of pain infliction or the hitting a child with a foreign object, as passive as it may seem.  I decided to write this post (an excerpt from my forthcoming book Discipline For a Change) after reading several comments on a Facebook parenting site I follow where the question was asked what a parent should do when a teen girl came home with hickeys' all over her neck.  The comments were frightening to me.  The ranged from grounding to "Whoop that .....".  I am sure you can fill in the blank with the myriad things that were being suggested.  Then I came across this recent letter to the editor in the Columbus Dispatch (read it here http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/editorials/2013/10/26/done-right-spanking-is-useful-for-discipline.html )  The headline was "Done Right, Spanking is useful for discipline."

I have heard it said that “they were asking for it”, or “they just won’t listen unless I get their attention.”  First, I have only had one child in my care ever ask for physical punishment and this particular child had come from a home where harsh physical punishment was all she knew.  It was difficult for her to understand the discipline focus of our home and wanted punishment.  For an adult to say that a child is “asking” to be hit or somehow assaulted, speaks to the adult more than the child.  

Second, striking a child, raising one's voice, or in any other way creating distress for the child physically eliminates the child’s ability to see you as a compassionate and caring caregiver without the potential for disorganized perspective of attachment. If the child sees you as potential threat, he will be less likely to come to you when he needs comfort.

Third, and final point. If I strike or forcefully grab my wife, I have committed an arrest-able offense of Domestic Battery.  If I throw something at her or hold an object it could be enhanced to assault.  Why is it then that we feel we are justified in inflicting pain and/or threat of harm/discomfort to our children? There is no magical transition at the age of 18 that makes this illegal and the notion that as long as there is no mark only pacifies the fear of being caught.  A true disciplinarian will seek any other means possible to reach the child and get to his awareness.  If the child has become calloused to the yelling and nagging that he is oblivious to you until you scream, hit, or throw something, than it is time to rethink the pattern that you have trained your child to accept.  To be a disciplinarian is to instill hope and a sense of well being in our disciple, not fear based “respect” that is more about self protection.  My hope is that all readers of this work will find in themselves the disciplinarians that children in our care need.  

By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google

P.S.

Have you joined the other members of our exclusive relationship groups, The Art and Joy of Romance and Marriage, who are learning the secrets to deeper love and better sex?  For less than a couple of lunch dates a month, members receive live, personal coaching on the issues that matter most. If you are not a member,  take a look and enroll NOW  in the monthly tele-class and newsletter coaching clubs to increase your intimacy, connection, sex life, and longevity.  You will not regret it. We guarantee it.

Like us at 

Do you have "Happy Feet?"

The type and frequency of a couples bedroom exploits can be one of the best indicators of a healthy relationship. Regardless of whether you and your partner enjoy sexual intimacy as frequently as two to three times a day, or as few as two to three times a month, the depth of connection and the type of sex you have is more important than the frequency.

In her book "Hold Me Tight", Dr. Sue Johnson explains that there are essentially 3 types of sexual experience. 1) "Sealed-off Sex," a primarily physical experience, with intense focus on performance and sensation but little or no attention to the love bond;  2) "Solace Sex," which emphasizes soothing fears and anxieties about being needed/wanted, which stifles erotic arousal like a wet-blanket; and 3) "Synchrony Sex," a blissful combination of the two in which deep emotional connection, tender touch, AND erotic exploration coincide.  Analysis of the type of sexual encounters you have can be very telling about the state of your relationship.  

Dr. Johnson states, "Synchrony Sex that deepens our bond with our lover, feeds our own sense of ourselves as attractive desirable sexual beings, and makes lovemaking a reliable source of eroticism and joy. Research tells us that those who can count on their partner to be there for them emotionally, who say that they have a secure bond, have sex more often and enjoy sex more" (read the rest here). 

While enjoying a night of totally physical pleasure does not mean you are shallow or that your relationship is in peril, the inability to create Synchrony Sex can indicate relational problems.  Likewise, being unable to find emotional intimacy  can be just as dangerous as being so emotionally needy that you can not release the physical.

Sexuality and the health of the relationship can be thought of as a palindrome (a word which is spelled the same frontwards and backwards, such as "racecar").  If a couple has a great relationship they will likely feel that their sex life is great.  A good relationship increases the sex life, and a good sex life deepens the relationship.  Such a couple finds the Holy Grail of Relationships: a relational Synergy which perpetuates ever-deepening closeness, comfort, and security in each other.   

There are several ways that a couple can deepen their synchronous sex.  In the monthly tele-classes for members, we share several ways to increase the level of intimacy in the relationship and the bedroom.  One of those ways is by practicing and becoming open with the idea of talking about your likes and needs--emotional as well as physical.  Too often, couples will talk about how they never discuss such things and that they just wish their partner would figure it out.  FIGURE IT OUT!!??  We must tell our spouse what it is that we enjoy, and what we are not so keen on.  Also, tell them what you really want or desire at that moment.  By doing so the relationship's depth of vulnerability will increase as you learn that you can be comfortable and heard/rewarded for sharing your most secret desires.

So, whether you are an "In-the-Bedroom-Every-Day" Couple or "A-Couple-Times-A-Month-Is-Fine" Couple, check in to which type of intimacy characterizes your sexual activity, and build the level of intimacy you have in order to create that Synchronous place.  As you do, your connection and bond will increase--and probably your frequency will, too! 

By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google

P.S.

Have you joined the other members of our exclusive relationship groups, The Art and Joy of Romance and Marriage, who are learning the secrets to deeper love and better sex?  For less than a couple of lunch dates a month, members receive live, personal coaching on the issues that matter most. If you are not a member,  take a look and enroll NOW  in the monthly tele-class and newsletter coaching clubs to increase your intimacy, connection, sex life, and longevity.  You will not regret it. We guarantee it.

The 3 rules that will keep even Kanye and Kim together

Couples ask us every day, "How can I make a perfect marriage?" The answer is surprisingly simple.  So simple that many discount it and fail to acheive what could be theirs.  If you are ready for the answer to this universal question read on.  It could bring you more joy than you have ever experienced. Those couples who learn this and live this have actually been found to have deeper attachments and be healed from old attachement injuries (but I'll save that for a future post).

I worked with a woman a few years ago who was lonely, feeling abandoned, and sad that other than great (physical) sex when ever she wanted it, she and her husband were just roommates.  She was beginnig to resent him because he would work long hours, go fishing or hunting on the weekend or days off, and then want to just rest when he was not working or hunting.  She missed him and longed for the time when they were deeply and madly in love and connected with each other. I spent much of my time with her validating her fear and emotional pain, reflecting the inner hurt back so that she could understand what she was rally feeling, and listening with real intent so that she knew I was focused just on her needs.  Frankly, I was doing what her husband should have been and what she wanted him to be doing.   

Ultimately, we did couples work and in the end the two of them were very close.  Not long ago, I was in their town (they commuted to see me) and I saw them in the store together.  They were happy and playful. I could tell that they had taken the challenge and listened to my counsel.  Here is what I taught them, 

3 rules for a perfect relationship

1.  Be attentive and accessible. See what it is that your partner needs or desires.  Too many times we get so into our own routine that we fail to look up and see that our spouse is longing for help but unable to express the need.  Other times we get so focused that we fail to hear their screaming at us to notice them and to hear them.

2. Be responsive and respectful.  When we are responsive, we act before the need is even expressed.  Being so focused on the needs and desires of our spouse that we can anticipate it before they express it takes true compassion and devotion.  That is what we promised them when we married.  

Respectful is just that.  Respect your spouse and never, NEVER, denigrate or ridicule them to family or friends.  I can not tell you hpw many relationships come into our office where we are doing repairative work to overcome the damage and fallout from trash talk, or pouring out the heart to girlfriends, fishing buddies, or--worst of all--family.  Aside from the fact that our family and friends will always have our back and rarely tell us when we are off the mark, it is just a flat out violation of the marriage covenant that we made to disrespect our partner.

3. Be engaged and excited.  My wife is not an avid camper, nor is she the type of girl that would relish the thought of strapping on a backpack and marching off into the wild for a few days.  I am not the kind of guy that loves to spend hours on end looking crafty and decor things.  "Get in, get out, get fishin'" should be printed somewhere over my door.  But over the years, she's come backpacking with me and I have spent hours decorating with her, and we have grown to enjoy our time togetherat no matter who has chosen the activity.  

When we are engaged in our spouse, we are interested in their dreams and desires.  We are curious abou the things that make them - THEM.  The person we married brought to the relationship all of the traits that we must accept and sometimes endure until they are ready to move on from them.  This shows them that we love the whole of them and we are not easily offended then.

We get excited for their triumphs and their successes.  Even if you have no idea what rush yardage is, or what R.B.I.'s are, it is possible to be excited for your husband when he is talking about his favorite team and how they have dominated the stats.  Guys, you do not need to understand the basics of foundation, concealer, and the art of blending and contouring (don't ask - please) but we sure love it that our wives do.  The point is that we are engaged in them as a whole person and we are excited for them in their desires and their passions.

Sue Johnson, creator of Emotional Focused Therapy, (get her book Hold Me Tight to learn more about deepening your love) teaches a very powerful quetion.  I would love to hear comments as to how you are doing this.  Dr. Johnson asks - "A.R.E. you there for them?" A.R.E. you?  How A.R,E. you?  And What A.R.E. you doing to let them know that you A.R.E. there for them? 

By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google

P.S.

Have you joined the others who are finding The Art and Joy as members of our exclusive relationship groups?  For less than a couple of lunch dates a month, you can receive live, personal coaching on the issues that matter most in creating a strong, lasting marriage.  Take a look and enroll in the monthly tele-class and newsletter coaching clubs to increase your intimacy, connection, sex life, and longevity.  You will not regret it. We gaurantee it.

It’s better that you’re not always happy. You need to have something to strive for and look forward to.

A few years ago, I was working with a couple who were having marriage trouble.  As we came to the end of the sessions I asked them to rate the current state of the marriage and the where they would scale it in the beginning.  0 was terrible - we need a divorce not a counselor and 5 was amazing - we need a honeymoon not a counselor.  Either way I was out of their life.

I think we will never be perfect.

When the time came to share the scores he was a bit apprehensive.  She rated things at first a .5-1, he had rated it a 1.  But the current score was not a close.  Excitedly she showed me her 4.5 to 5. She was thrilled to say that things had really turned around and that they were better than ever.  

His current score card had a very timid 3.5 - 4.  When he showed it, I thought he was preparing to be hit by the recoiled body language.  She was a bit taken back and gasped at the low score, but then he explained.

Every day is a new 5 

He said that there were times when the relationship hit what he felt was a 5.  it was wonderful and then after few days it seemed to slide back to a 3.  At first he was upset by this, worried that the marriage was not fixable.  Then he stumbled into the greatest truth I have ever heard and something that we can apply to every aspect of life.

He said that "you can never maintain a 5 and to try is futile and frustrating." He continued "after a few days at the new level, the new 5, I realized that I was becoming complacent and that it was not as bright anymore. That is when I needed to work hard to reach the new 5."

Have you settled and are no longer reaching for 5's

As the new week begins and you head out into the world, look at your 3's and 4's.  Were they once 5's and you need to set new, higher goals.  Never let one summit keep you from achieving even greater heights.

By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google

According to news story coming out of Florida, a mother used an iron to burn her son as a punishment for his poor performance in school.  While the act was deplorable, I was excited by the article because the reporter actually used the correct term for what mom did.  Few do, and fewer even realize that there is a difference.

"[An]11-year-old boy complained of an injury to his shoulder at his school, Pines Middle School, Monday, and when a school official asked him how he received that injury, he said his mom burned him with an iron as punishment. Miramar Police spokesperson 
Tania Rues explained, "The child was ironing his clothes yesterday morning when his mother confronted him over his performance in school. The victim stated that, at that point in time, there was some type of confrontation, and his mom burned him on the shoulder with the iron."   Read more: http://www.wsvn.com/news/articles/local/21011834147165/mother-arrested-for-allegedly-causing-child-s-burns/#ixzz2gfkj78ub

In my book The Art and Joy of Parenting - With Time Out , I have outlined the fundemental differences between true Discipline and pure Punishment.  

Parenting begins with the foundation of respect and regard for the child.  Without this, there is no possible way to discipline a child, teaching them to have self control and decision making.  Any act of harshness, aggression, or violance against the child has repeatedly been shown to alter the perspective of the child toward the parent.  The perceived respect is avoidance and fear by the child.  An old roommate of mine talked about getting a daily beating by his mother.  He said that he lost all respect and care for mother further stating that the physical pain of the switch went away quickly but his lack of desire to be close or to seek any assistance from his mother never went away.

The goal of any disccipline moment needs to be the drawing of the child closer to you and increasing the respect he or she has for you as the parent.  What does it profit you if the behavior stops but so does the chil;s willingness to come to you and seek counsel in hard times,  Proper parenting will instill a sense of shared responsibility where the child recognioses their short fall and sees you as the teacher and mentor who, though upset and disapointed, will also dust them off and point them in the right direction.  In this months newsletter to our member's I write about this being analogous to a child running the bases and heading for home and a good coach waiting to receive them.  You will want ot get it on that mailing list for sure if you are not already. Go to www.theartandjoy.com and fill out the form on the right side of the page.  

Discipline is the act of teaching, creating a desciple.  Punishment is the inflicting of pain for an act.  This is emotional, mental, or physical.  The Art and The Joy of Parenting comes when you learn the difference and make an even greater one.

By Brett M. Judd LMSW
You can follow Brett and his writing at Google.  Also www.Facebook.com/TheArtandJoyofRomanceandParenting

With all the talk today about the government shut down and essential versus non-essential programs, I thought I would make my own list of what I think are the top three essential and non essential components to any relationship.

1. Essential - mutual respect.  This might seem like a given but I am continually amazed at how many couple do not have this and how many parents do not understand it towards their children.  Mutual respect is the fundemental to the foundation of a lasting relationship and the foundation to training children to be compassionate understanding adults. 

    Non-Essential - sarcasm. I heard once that sarcasm is only funny because it is based on truth.  To the person who holds that truth, sarcasm becomes cutting and demeaning, neither of which are healthy at all to any relationship.  I recently worked with a father and his son. The dad loved to joke.  He never got close to anything real without a sacastic jab.  Everytime the subject of the sarcasm came to something the boy was concerned about the jab would hit like a hard right hook from a prize fighter.  The dad was not directly offensive to the boy.  The fact that he could not be real or talk about real issues was a slap to the needs of this son reaching out for connection with his father.  The same is true in a romantic relationship  

2. Essential - Validation. Without validation it is nearly impossible to have mutual respect.  We validate our partners and our children when we really hear them and respect what they are saying. Not that we have to agree with it, but we hear them, we acknowledge them, and we do not riducle them for the feelings and opinions they may carry. 

     Non-Essential - always being right.  It is impossible to always be right.  Unfortunatley, too many have been invalidated to to the point that they feel they must always be right, have the last word, or just have the power position in a relationship.  Getting beyond the need for self inflation and becoming vulnerable and humble enough to let someone else rise to the top is critiacal if you want to become a valued partner in any relationship.

3. Essential - True Unconditional Positive Regard. The abiltiy to love someone because of their faults is the greatest strength that we can acquire in this life.  It is without a doubt the core to being able to have genuine compassion and care for someone and being able to see them as an equal and valued partner.  This same strength as a parent is what will allow our to discipline in the moments that require it and nurture in the more often times that need your compassion.

     Non-Essential - Selfishness.  There is likly no faster pathway to a destroyed relationship or poor parenting than through selfishness.  When the needs of self outweigh the recognition and valuing the needs of our children and partner we have established the easiest route to destruction possible.  There is no room for this in any relationship.  As soon as we place our self interestds in place of those of our children or spouce, we instantly alter the rules that the relationship is founded.  Everything above is ignored and only the desires that satisfy your needs matter.  The slightest squable becomes a stumbbling block.  It is not long before we have lost sight of our partner at all. 

So when you are ready to take your relationships to a higher level, consider what you are doing that is essentail and what is non-essential.  Then put your focus on the things taht will really make a difference in your long term success.

When you want ot have the best coaching and tools you can to maximize your relationships, you will want to join The Art and Joy.  Monthly Members Only Tele Classes and Newsletters that will guide yo into lasting and rewarding relationships.  Go to www.TheArtandJoy.com and enrol in the program today. 

By Brett M, Judd  of  An Open Mind Counseling and NeuroBalancing ,  and The Art and Joy of Romance and Parenting

Google

Whether it is baseball, soccer, wrestling, football, or just back to school the metaphor is the same.  That walk from the safety and security of the dugout to the batters box at home plate is the longest and most terrifying walk your child can take. How you manage their fears, your own trepidation, and the potential outbursts will be the most important contribution you can make.

Last week I met with an old friend.  It has been years since we sat and really talked.  Eventually,the conversation turned  to stories of children and accomplishments/struggles.  

He related to me an event that recently happened during his daughter's soccer match. All the girls on one team lined up to participate in a shootout facing the goalie so that each could take their kick my friend told me about a young girl far down on the line who likely would not even have to kick the ball who immediately burst into tears panicking over the potential stress and failure if she were to take a chance. My friend was confused by this and found it incredibly overdramatic for such a simple thing as a shootout where she would kick the ball towards the goalie hoping to get it past them. As I heard the story I began to see a young girl terrified and afraid of what it would be like to return to secure safe haven of our dugout if she missed her kick. I then began to wonder what it must of been like for her to leave the bench and head to the soccer field and what stresses and fear of failure she must've carried with her to react in such a way.

The fear of the unknown is one of the greatest challenges in stumbling blocks that any of us can experience. What if how can why would are all examples of the negative self talk I can oftentimes become rampant in our minds and keep us from achieving the great success that is capable of any of us. Build on top of that any lingering conversation that was had by a parent or a coach or even a teammate and this negative self talk can become even more damning. "How could you" "what were you thinking" "you know better" "are all examples of some of the terms that well intended and well-intentioned mentors often say to their young pupil. But each of these as a certain level of condescension that implies failure and intentional defeat on the part of the child.

When a child is leaving the safety of the dugout, they are exposing themselves to the vulnerability and the potential of failure. If they have been met with ridicule, shame, or excessive or abusive correction focusing solely on their lack or inability rather than their attempt and their possibility, the child will be faced with many uncertainties and the fear of failing that brings with it rejection and ridicule. Personalized shame can become the driving self talk shaping the child's actions. As parents and coaches of these children it is imperative that we do all that we shape their mindset to one of success and possibility. Learning the power and the potential that failure can bring will often increase a child's successes because it opens up their view of all possibility.

Three ways that any parent or mentor can interact with a child increasing their odds and the chances for success are:

1. Always address the child in the positive and with an attitude of success. One of the most defeating words in the English language is the word IF. "If you" brings with it the implication that they probably won't. Using the word WHEN expresses hope anticipation and potential. This subtle shift can often make a major difference.
2. Focus on what the child is doing correctly without badgering or harping on the deficits. The last thing that we want our child to think of as they head into a challenging and fearful situation is their last failure and everything that they do wrong. Our conversations with them and the words that we choose has a direct impact on shaping their self talk and the internal fortitude they carry with them.
3. Making sure they see us as a benefit and not a threat. In the book The Seven Principles of Positive Parenting I tell the story about my wrestling coach from high school. I lost a match because I did not follow his instructions and do exactly as he wanted me to do without ridicule and without shaming, he simply stated "if you do it the way that I tell you and you lose the losses on me. If you do it your own way and you lose the losses on you." He could've taken that chance to tell me everything in the match that I did wrong to point out all of the things that I could do next time that would make it better and increase my potential to win. Instead,he took the chance to welcome me back to the safety and security of the bench with all of my other teammates and counseled me instead of ridiculed me. I saw him as a true mentor and a friend knowing that he would never leave me astray, and he would always help me feel successful even when I failed. He did not candy coat anything. You do when you didn't do it correctly. But he also recognized that there was a distinct time for correction and counsel, and even more important time for nurture, support, and encouragement.

As we all get ready to send their children back to school for another year, or for some, to send your child to school for the first time, their walk from the safe haven and security of the dugout of your home to that vulnerable and dangerous place of the playing field where balls are being thrown at them and people are constantly trying to tag them out is a frightening and overwhelming experience. By following these three steps stated above you will increase the success of your child and their future successes by ensuring that they carry with them the positive and empowering self talk that you have given to them.

Until I write again please remember that,
"No relationship was ever harmed through validation and reflection."
Brett

P.S. To get my book at 30% off be sure to visit www.theartandjoy.com/book  it is currently on a prerelease cell of $12 until September 15 when orders will be placed and the book will normally sell for at least $18.