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The 3 rules that will keep even Kanye and Kim together

Couples ask us every day, "How can I make a perfect marriage?" The answer is surprisingly simple.  So simple that many discount it and fail to acheive what could be theirs.  If you are ready for the answer to this universal question read on.  It could bring you more joy than you have ever experienced. Those couples who learn this and live this have actually been found to have deeper attachments and be healed from old attachement injuries (but I'll save that for a future post).

I worked with a woman a few years ago who was lonely, feeling abandoned, and sad that other than great (physical) sex when ever she wanted it, she and her husband were just roommates.  She was beginnig to resent him because he would work long hours, go fishing or hunting on the weekend or days off, and then want to just rest when he was not working or hunting.  She missed him and longed for the time when they were deeply and madly in love and connected with each other. I spent much of my time with her validating her fear and emotional pain, reflecting the inner hurt back so that she could understand what she was rally feeling, and listening with real intent so that she knew I was focused just on her needs.  Frankly, I was doing what her husband should have been and what she wanted him to be doing.   

Ultimately, we did couples work and in the end the two of them were very close.  Not long ago, I was in their town (they commuted to see me) and I saw them in the store together.  They were happy and playful. I could tell that they had taken the challenge and listened to my counsel.  Here is what I taught them, 

3 rules for a perfect relationship

1.  Be attentive and accessible. See what it is that your partner needs or desires.  Too many times we get so into our own routine that we fail to look up and see that our spouse is longing for help but unable to express the need.  Other times we get so focused that we fail to hear their screaming at us to notice them and to hear them.

2. Be responsive and respectful.  When we are responsive, we act before the need is even expressed.  Being so focused on the needs and desires of our spouse that we can anticipate it before they express it takes true compassion and devotion.  That is what we promised them when we married.  

Respectful is just that.  Respect your spouse and never, NEVER, denigrate or ridicule them to family or friends.  I can not tell you hpw many relationships come into our office where we are doing repairative work to overcome the damage and fallout from trash talk, or pouring out the heart to girlfriends, fishing buddies, or--worst of all--family.  Aside from the fact that our family and friends will always have our back and rarely tell us when we are off the mark, it is just a flat out violation of the marriage covenant that we made to disrespect our partner.

3. Be engaged and excited.  My wife is not an avid camper, nor is she the type of girl that would relish the thought of strapping on a backpack and marching off into the wild for a few days.  I am not the kind of guy that loves to spend hours on end looking crafty and decor things.  "Get in, get out, get fishin'" should be printed somewhere over my door.  But over the years, she's come backpacking with me and I have spent hours decorating with her, and we have grown to enjoy our time togetherat no matter who has chosen the activity.  

When we are engaged in our spouse, we are interested in their dreams and desires.  We are curious abou the things that make them - THEM.  The person we married brought to the relationship all of the traits that we must accept and sometimes endure until they are ready to move on from them.  This shows them that we love the whole of them and we are not easily offended then.

We get excited for their triumphs and their successes.  Even if you have no idea what rush yardage is, or what R.B.I.'s are, it is possible to be excited for your husband when he is talking about his favorite team and how they have dominated the stats.  Guys, you do not need to understand the basics of foundation, concealer, and the art of blending and contouring (don't ask - please) but we sure love it that our wives do.  The point is that we are engaged in them as a whole person and we are excited for them in their desires and their passions.

Sue Johnson, creator of Emotional Focused Therapy, (get her book Hold Me Tight to learn more about deepening your love) teaches a very powerful quetion.  I would love to hear comments as to how you are doing this.  Dr. Johnson asks - "A.R.E. you there for them?" A.R.E. you?  How A.R,E. you?  And What A.R.E. you doing to let them know that you A.R.E. there for them? 

By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google

P.S.

Have you joined the others who are finding The Art and Joy as members of our exclusive relationship groups?  For less than a couple of lunch dates a month, you can receive live, personal coaching on the issues that matter most in creating a strong, lasting marriage.  Take a look and enroll in the monthly tele-class and newsletter coaching clubs to increase your intimacy, connection, sex life, and longevity.  You will not regret it. We gaurantee it.

 

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