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Having a spouse or significant other is one of the greatest joys of life! But let's get really honest, it's difficult to be in a relationship. Until now! There really is an art to it. Romancing is more about being flexible and fluid in the way you do it than the what you do. Having knowledge of the craft gives you the flexibility to do it the way each relationship needs it. There really is no real wrong way to do as long as you are following a few basic rules and guidelines. Outside of that, good relationships are about responding to your lover's need for comfort, reassurance, and connection. That is when you find the joy in being in being truly special to each other. The Art and Joy of Romance is more than just a book or website. It's better even than a users guide. The Art and Joy is designed to be a community of support and knowledge. In this community members will get access to regular training and support through webinar, forums, information libraries, and coaching. Romance can be a blast, and with the right support it is. Truth be told, we all get a little apprehensive. There is a persistent nag that "Maybe I'm failing," "Maybe I'm not doing it right," or "Perhaps I did that wrong" that every person feels many times throughout a relationship when trying to do the best they can.
Support!! Without support we are all left alone to slog through those dark and lonely moments. Parents and close friends are partial and biased. Also, you may not feel comfortable sharing your struggle with them. It is hard for family and friends to forget things. In our therapy practice, one of the first "rules" we teach couples is to stop talking to parents and friends about the troubles they are having with their partners. As hard as they try, people close to us are not able to give the unbiased, objective information we need in tough times. Couples are too emotionally connected. Through webinars, newsletters, mentoring, and forums members are able to access a broad community of support from unbiased and emotionally disconnected supportive parents. Training!! There is nothing more frustrating than being clueless about how to do something and feeling very lost. Not only do we need knowledge, we need it fast, and we need it to be relevant. The Art and Joy of Romance is your source for instant access to a wealth of resources so that you always have the tools you need. You do not have to be an expert, but you can have access to a team of them. Peace of Mind!! When you join the others who are finding the Art and especially the JOY of Romance you gain peace of mind that you can succeed and that you will have the resources, skills, and the support you need to raise brilliant, successful children while maintaining your sanity and happiness. You gain the ability to see things in the broader lifelong perspective and not just in the moment.
Why do you want this training from The Art and Joy? Because as a Social Worker, a foster parent, an adoptive parent, a former Professor of Social Work, and now a full time therapist focusing on the needs of clients suffering from grief and trauma, Brett understands what it is to be a parent. Many of the books on the market are clinical or academic in their origin and scope. Brett brings those ideas into his real world applications. Having taught hundreds of Social Workers around the state of Idaho as well as thousands of Foster and Adoptive parents in conferences to enhance the care of these kids, Brett has gained a reputation as having a real gift for helping parents see through the chaos and into the child. The end result is JOY and Harmony in the home and peace to the mind of the parent. |
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Do you know the song of your love.
This amazing story of love and devotion will have even the most tone deaf lover writing poems again.
By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google
P.S.
Have you joined the other members of our exclusive relationship groups, The Art and Joy of Romance and Marriage, who are learning the secrets to deeper love and better sex? For less than a couple of lunch dates a month, members receive live, personal coaching on the issues that matter most. If you are not a member, take a look and enroll NOW in the monthly tele-class and newsletter coaching clubs to increase your intimacy, connection, sex life, and longevity. You will not regret it. We guarantee it.
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"Spanking is a useful form of discipline" read the article headline.
I feel that it is necessary to address one area of “discipline” that is commonly accepted and practiced. Spanking foremost, but any form of pain infliction or the hitting a child with a foreign object, as passive as it may seem. I decided to write this post (an excerpt from my forthcoming book Discipline For a Change) after reading several comments on a Facebook parenting site I follow where the question was asked what a parent should do when a teen girl came home with hickeys' all over her neck. The comments were frightening to me. The ranged from grounding to "Whoop that .....". I am sure you can fill in the blank with the myriad things that were being suggested. Then I came across this recent letter to the editor in the Columbus Dispatch (read it here http://www.dispatch.com/content/stories/editorials/2013/10/26/done-right-spanking-is-useful-for-discipline.html ) The headline was "Done Right, Spanking is useful for discipline."
I have heard it said that “they were asking for it”, or “they just won’t listen unless I get their attention.” First, I have only had one child in my care ever ask for physical punishment and this particular child had come from a home where harsh physical punishment was all she knew. It was difficult for her to understand the discipline focus of our home and wanted punishment. For an adult to say that a child is “asking” to be hit or somehow assaulted, speaks to the adult more than the child.
Second, striking a child, raising one's voice, or in any other way creating distress for the child physically eliminates the child’s ability to see you as a compassionate and caring caregiver without the potential for disorganized perspective of attachment. If the child sees you as potential threat, he will be less likely to come to you when he needs comfort.
Third, and final point. If I strike or forcefully grab my wife, I have committed an arrest-able offense of Domestic Battery. If I throw something at her or hold an object it could be enhanced to assault. Why is it then that we feel we are justified in inflicting pain and/or threat of harm/discomfort to our children? There is no magical transition at the age of 18 that makes this illegal and the notion that as long as there is no mark only pacifies the fear of being caught. A true disciplinarian will seek any other means possible to reach the child and get to his awareness. If the child has become calloused to the yelling and nagging that he is oblivious to you until you scream, hit, or throw something, than it is time to rethink the pattern that you have trained your child to accept. To be a disciplinarian is to instill hope and a sense of well being in our disciple, not fear based “respect” that is more about self protection. My hope is that all readers of this work will find in themselves the disciplinarians that children in our care need.
By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google
P.S.
Have you joined the other members of our exclusive relationship groups, The Art and Joy of Romance and Marriage, who are learning the secrets to deeper love and better sex? For less than a couple of lunch dates a month, members receive live, personal coaching on the issues that matter most. If you are not a member, take a look and enroll NOW in the monthly tele-class and newsletter coaching clubs to increase your intimacy, connection, sex life, and longevity. You will not regret it. We guarantee it.
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Do you have "Happy Feet?"
The type and frequency of a couples bedroom exploits can be one of the best indicators of a healthy relationship. Regardless of whether you and your partner enjoy sexual intimacy as frequently as two to three times a day, or as few as two to three times a month, the depth of connection and the type of sex you have is more important than the frequency.
In her book "Hold Me Tight", Dr. Sue Johnson explains that there are essentially 3 types of sexual experience. 1) "Sealed-off Sex," a primarily physical experience, with intense focus on performance and sensation but little or no attention to the love bond; 2) "Solace Sex," which emphasizes soothing fears and anxieties about being needed/wanted, which stifles erotic arousal like a wet-blanket; and 3) "Synchrony Sex," a blissful combination of the two in which deep emotional connection, tender touch, AND erotic exploration coincide. Analysis of the type of sexual encounters you have can be very telling about the state of your relationship.
Dr. Johnson states, "Synchrony Sex that deepens our bond with our lover, feeds our own sense of ourselves as attractive desirable sexual beings, and makes lovemaking a reliable source of eroticism and joy. Research tells us that those who can count on their partner to be there for them emotionally, who say that they have a secure bond, have sex more often and enjoy sex more" (read the rest here).
While enjoying a night of totally physical pleasure does not mean you are shallow or that your relationship is in peril, the inability to create Synchrony Sex can indicate relational problems. Likewise, being unable to find emotional intimacy can be just as dangerous as being so emotionally needy that you can not release the physical.
Sexuality and the health of the relationship can be thought of as a palindrome (a word which is spelled the same frontwards and backwards, such as "racecar"). If a couple has a great relationship they will likely feel that their sex life is great. A good relationship increases the sex life, and a good sex life deepens the relationship. Such a couple finds the Holy Grail of Relationships: a relational Synergy which perpetuates ever-deepening closeness, comfort, and security in each other.
There are several ways that a couple can deepen their synchronous sex. In the monthly tele-classes for members, we share several ways to increase the level of intimacy in the relationship and the bedroom. One of those ways is by practicing and becoming open with the idea of talking about your likes and needs--emotional as well as physical. Too often, couples will talk about how they never discuss such things and that they just wish their partner would figure it out. FIGURE IT OUT!!?? We must tell our spouse what it is that we enjoy, and what we are not so keen on. Also, tell them what you really want or desire at that moment. By doing so the relationship's depth of vulnerability will increase as you learn that you can be comfortable and heard/rewarded for sharing your most secret desires.
So, whether you are an "In-the-Bedroom-Every-Day" Couple or "A-Couple-Times-A-Month-Is-Fine" Couple, check in to which type of intimacy characterizes your sexual activity, and build the level of intimacy you have in order to create that Synchronous place. As you do, your connection and bond will increase--and probably your frequency will, too!
By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google
P.S.
Have you joined the other members of our exclusive relationship groups, The Art and Joy of Romance and Marriage, who are learning the secrets to deeper love and better sex? For less than a couple of lunch dates a month, members receive live, personal coaching on the issues that matter most. If you are not a member, take a look and enroll NOW in the monthly tele-class and newsletter coaching clubs to increase your intimacy, connection, sex life, and longevity. You will not regret it. We guarantee it.
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The 3 rules that will keep even Kanye and Kim together
Couples ask us every day, "How can I make a perfect marriage?" The answer is surprisingly simple. So simple that 
many discount it and fail to acheive what could be theirs. If you are ready for the answer to this universal question read on. It could bring you more joy than you have ever experienced. Those couples who learn this and live this have actually been found to have deeper attachments and be healed from old attachement injuries (but I'll save that for a future post).
I worked with a woman a few years ago who was lonely, feeling abandoned, and sad that other than great (physical) sex when ever she wanted it, she and her husband were just roommates. She was beginnig to resent him because he would work long hours, go fishing or hunting on the weekend or days off, and then want to just rest when he was not working or hunting. She missed him and longed for the time when they were deeply and madly in love and connected with each other. I spent much of my time with her validating her fear and emotional pain, reflecting the inner hurt back so that she could understand what she was rally feeling, and listening with real intent so that she knew I was focused just on her needs. Frankly, I was doing what her husband should have been and what she wanted him to be doing.
Ultimately, we did couples work and in the end the two of them were very close. Not long ago, I was in their town (they commuted to see me) and I saw them in the store together. They were happy and playful. I could tell that they had taken the challenge and listened to my counsel. Here is what I taught them,
3 rules for a perfect relationship
1. Be attentive and accessible. See what it is that your partner needs or desires. Too many times we get so into our own routine that we fail to look up and see that our spouse is longing for help but unable to express the need. Other times we get so focused that we fail to hear their screaming at us to notice them and to hear them.
2. Be responsive and respectful. When we are responsive, we act before the need is even expressed. Being so focused on the needs and desires of our spouse that we can anticipate it before they express it takes true compassion and devotion. That is what we promised them when we married.
Respectful is just that. Respect your spouse and never, NEVER, denigrate or ridicule them to family or friends. I can not tell you hpw many relationships come into our office where we are doing repairative work to overcome the damage and fallout from trash talk, or pouring out the heart to girlfriends, fishing buddies, or--worst of all--family. Aside from the fact that our family and friends will always have our back and rarely tell us when we are off the mark, it is just a flat out violation of the marriage covenant that we made to disrespect our partner.
3. Be engaged and excited. My wife is not an avid camper, nor is she the type of girl that would relish the thought of strapping on a backpack and marching off into the wild for a few days. I am not the kind of guy that loves to spend hours on end looking crafty and decor things. "Get in, get out, get fishin'" should be printed somewhere over my door. But over the years, she's come backpacking with me and I have spent hours decorating with her, and we have grown to enjoy our time togetherat no matter who has chosen the activity.
When we are engaged in our spouse, we are interested in their dreams and desires. We are curious abou the things that make them - THEM. The person we married brought to the relationship all of the traits that we must accept and sometimes endure until they are ready to move on from them. This shows them that we love the whole of them and we are not easily offended then.
We get excited for their triumphs and their successes. Even if you have no idea what rush yardage is, or what R.B.I.'s are, it is possible to be excited for your husband when he is talking about his favorite team and how they have dominated the stats. Guys, you do not need to understand the basics of foundation, concealer, and the art of blending and contouring (don't ask - please) but we sure love it that our wives do. The point is that we are engaged in them as a whole person and we are excited for them in their desires and their passions.
Sue Johnson, creator of Emotional Focused Therapy, (get her book Hold Me Tight to learn more about deepening your love) teaches a very powerful quetion. I would love to hear comments as to how you are doing this. Dr. Johnson asks - "A.R.E. you there for them?" A.R.E. you? How A.R,E. you? And What A.R.E. you doing to let them know that you A.R.E. there for them?
By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google
P.S.
Have you joined the others who are finding The Art and Joy as members of our exclusive relationship groups? For less than a couple of lunch dates a month, you can receive live, personal coaching on the issues that matter most in creating a strong, lasting marriage. Take a look and enroll in the monthly tele-class and newsletter coaching clubs to increase your intimacy, connection, sex life, and longevity. You will not regret it. We gaurantee it.
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It’s better that you’re not always happy. You need to have something to strive for and look
forward to.
forward to.A few years ago, I was working with a couple who were having marriage trouble. As we came to the end of the sessions I asked them to rate the current state of the marriage and the where they would scale it in the beginning. 0 was terrible - we need a divorce not a counselor and 5 was amazing - we need a honeymoon not a counselor. Either way I was out of their life.
I think we will never be perfect.
When the time came to share the scores he was a bit apprehensive. She rated things at first a .5-1, he had rated it a 1. But the current score was not a close. Excitedly she showed me her 4.5 to 5. She was thrilled to say that things had really turned around and that they were better than ever.
His current score card had a very timid 3.5 - 4. When he showed it, I thought he was preparing to be hit by the recoiled body language. She was a bit taken back and gasped at the low score, but then he explained.
Every day is a new 5
He said that there were times when the relationship hit what he felt was a 5. it was wonderful and then after few days it seemed to slide back to a 3. At first he was upset by this, worried that the marriage was not fixable. Then he stumbled into the greatest truth I have ever heard and something that we can apply to every aspect of life.
He said that "you can never maintain a 5 and to try is futile and frustrating." He continued "after a few days at the new level, the new 5, I realized that I was becoming complacent and that it was not as bright anymore. That is when I needed to work hard to reach the new 5."
Have you settled and are no longer reaching for 5's
As the new week begins and you head out into the world, look at your 3's and 4's. Were they once 5's and you need to set new, higher goals. Never let one summit keep you from achieving even greater heights.
By Brett M. Judd LMSW Follow him at Google + at Google
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According to news story coming out of Florida, a mother used an iron to burn her son as a punishment for his poor performance in school. While the act was deplorable, I was excited by the article because the reporter actually used the correct term for what mom did. Few do, and fewer even realize that there is a difference.
"[An]11-year-old boy complained of an injury to his shoulder at his school, Pines Middle School, Monday, and when a school official asked him how he received that injury, he said his mom burned him with an iron as punishment. Miramar Police spokesperson
Tania Rues explained, "The child was ironing his clothes yesterday morning when his mother confronted him over his performance in school. The victim stated that, at that point in time, there was some type of confrontation, and his mom burned him on the shoulder with the iron." Read more: http://www.wsvn.com/news/articles/local/21011834147165/mother-arrested-for-allegedly-causing-child-s-burns/#ixzz2gfkj78ub
In my book The Art and Joy of Parenting - With Time Out , I have outlined the fundemental differences between true Discipline and pure Punishment.
Parenting begins with the foundation of respect and regard for the child. Without this, there is no possible way to discipline a child, teaching them to have self control and decision making. Any act of harshness, aggression, or violance against the child has repeatedly been shown to alter the perspective of the child toward the parent. The perceived respect is avoidance and fear by the child. An old roommate of mine talked about getting a daily beating by his mother. He said that he lost all respect and care for mother further stating that the physical pain of the switch went away quickly but his lack of desire to be close or to seek any assistance from his mother never went away.
The goal of any disccipline moment needs to be the drawing of the child closer to you and increasing the respect he or she has for you as the parent. What does it profit you if the behavior stops but so does the chil;s willingness to come to you and seek counsel in hard times, Proper parenting will instill a sense of shared responsibility where the child recognioses their short fall and sees you as the teacher and mentor who, though upset and disapointed, will also dust them off and point them in the right direction. In this months newsletter to our member's I write about this being analogous to a child running the bases and heading for home and a good coach waiting to receive them. You will want ot get it on that mailing list for sure if you are not already. Go to www.theartandjoy.com and fill out the form on the right side of the page.
Discipline is the act of teaching, creating a desciple. Punishment is the inflicting of pain for an act. This is emotional, mental, or physical. The Art and The Joy of Parenting comes when you learn the difference and make an even greater one.
By Brett M. Judd LMSW
You can follow Brett and his writing at Google. Also www.Facebook.com/TheArtandJoyofRomanceandParenting
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With all the talk today about the government shut down and essential versus non-essential programs, I thought I would make my own list of what I think are the top three essential and non essential components to any relationship.
1. Essential - mutual respect. This might seem like a given but I am continually amazed at how many couple do not have this and how many parents do not understand it towards their children. Mutual respect is the fundemental to the foundation of a lasting relationship and the foundation to training children to be compassionate understanding adults.
Non-Essential - sarcasm. I heard once that sarcasm is only funny because it is based on truth. To the person who holds that truth, sarcasm becomes cutting and demeaning, neither of which are healthy at all to any relationship. I recently worked with a father and his son. The dad loved to joke. He never got close to anything real without a sacastic jab. Everytime the subject of the sarcasm came to something the boy was concerned about the jab would hit like a hard right hook from a prize fighter. The dad was not directly offensive to the boy. The fact that he could not be real or talk about real issues was a slap to the needs of this son reaching out for connection with his father. The same is true in a romantic relationship
2. Essential - Validation. Without validation it is nearly impossible to have mutual respect. We validate our partners and our children when we really hear them and respect what they are saying. Not that we have to agree with it, but we hear them, we acknowledge them, and we do not riducle them for the feelings and opinions they may carry.
Non-Essential - always being right. It is impossible to always be right. Unfortunatley, too many have been invalidated to to the point that they feel they must always be right, have the last word, or just have the power position in a relationship. Getting beyond the need for self inflation and becoming vulnerable and humble enough to let someone else rise to the top is critiacal if you want to become a valued partner in any relationship.
3. Essential - True Unconditional Positive Regard. The abiltiy to love someone because of their faults is the greatest strength that we can acquire in this life. It is without a doubt the core to being able to have genuine compassion and care for someone and being able to see them as an equal and valued partner. This same strength as a parent is what will allow our to discipline in the moments that require it and nurture in the more often times that need your compassion.
Non-Essential - Selfishness. There is likly no faster pathway to a destroyed relationship or poor parenting than through selfishness. When the needs of self outweigh the recognition and valuing the needs of our children and partner we have established the easiest route to destruction possible. There is no room for this in any relationship. As soon as we place our self interestds in place of those of our children or spouce, we instantly alter the rules that the relationship is founded. Everything above is ignored and only the desires that satisfy your needs matter. The slightest squable becomes a stumbbling block. It is not long before we have lost sight of our partner at all.
So when you are ready to take your relationships to a higher level, consider what you are doing that is essentail and what is non-essential. Then put your focus on the things taht will really make a difference in your long term success.
When you want ot have the best coaching and tools you can to maximize your relationships, you will want to join The Art and Joy. Monthly Members Only Tele Classes and Newsletters that will guide yo into lasting and rewarding relationships. Go to www.TheArtandJoy.com and enrol in the program today.
By Brett M, Judd of An Open Mind Counseling and NeuroBalancing , and The Art and Joy of Romance and Parenting
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ADD/ADHD. What to ask BEFORE the prescriptions are taken
At An Open Mind, we take a very different approach to solving the complex world of behavior and emotion. The brain is more involved and more able to be balanced than ever thought. Through Neuro-Balancing with Brainwave Optimization the brain is assisted in a balancing and harmonizing of it's function, allowing for freedom from many of the concerns addressed in this article.
For parents of children who struggle in the classroom, this often includes concerns for the mental well-being of their child and questions of whether or not he is capable of sustaining the level of attention required throughout an entire school day. These worries may be compounded by discouraging messages they have received about their child from teachers, doctors, counselors, or psychologists, for whom, in many cases, ADD/ADHD has become the “go-to” diagnosis for any child having a difficult time in the classroom. As a result, parents are in danger of second-guessing themselves or dismissing their own instincts in favor of unexamined “expert” opinion.
How is a concerned parent to know whether their child’s behavior is normal, or whether it indicates he has ADD or some other problem? How can a worried parent navigate the confusing waters of meeting their child’s needs against the prevailing cultural norm of medicating them? With all the medication advertisements and pressure to medicate for everything, how can one know when--and when not--to seek medical attention?
It is my hope that the information in this article will empower you so that you can confidently make the best choice for your child. I will provide you with tools to help you weigh and consider what YOU--as the foremost expert on your child—know, so that you no longer need to passively accept an expert’s diagnosis (and the nearly inevitable prescription that comes with it).
As a case in point, I recently met with a young man who been labeled as ADD by medical professionals. They had tried, unsuccessfully, to help him overcome his symptoms through numerous medications. After learning that he often sits for hours on creative building projects, and that he frequently writes and acts out elaborate stories with multiple characters, often enlisting family members to help him fill the roles. He also reads for hours into the night. Considering the ADD/ADHD criteria which I will detail later, I was unable to concur with the findings of the MD’s.
To be clear, I am not saying ADD/ADHD are not legitimate concerns, but I do not believe they warrant the rampant diagnosis as is common today. Indeed, prescription demand for methylphenidate (commonly known as Ritalin®) has increased more than 2800 percent, rising from 1768 kg in 1990 to 50,000kg in 2010! For me, this indicates a society that has lost focus on self awareness and personal control as well as gained a reliance on chemicals. (http://www.justice.gov/dea/pubs/cngrtest/ct051600.htm) Another reason for this rise could be due to misdiagnosis and quick fix interventions. AD(H)D symptoms mirror very closely those of anxiety, traumatic stress syndrome and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, though these are rarely considered as childhood concerns. I strongly encourage you to go to this page and read about some of the effects medications are having before just accepting that as an option. http://www.ssristories.com/index.php
One major indicator of an accurate ADD/ADHD diagnosis is time. From The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual IV-TR (DSM IV-TR) published by the American Psychological Association and the "Bible" of mental health diagnosing, any diagnosis of ADD/ADHD MUST have behavioral symptoms lasting LONGER than 6 months; some must be present in two or more settings; and some MUST have been present prior to the age of seven. For many kids labeled ADD, these tests cannot be met but the diagnosis is still given. So what do we do when the professionals we trust are not doing the right thing by our children? As good parents, we must educate ourselves and take action.
Criteria for ADD and ADHD
ADD/ADHD must have six or more of the following behaviors, seen in 2 or more settings, and present BEFORE the age of seven. They are:
Either (1) or (2)
(1) inattention: six (or more) of the following symptoms of inattention have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level: (emphasis added)
(a) often fails to give close attention to details or makes careless mistakes in schoolwork, work, or other activities
(b) often has difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities
(c) often does not seem to listen when spoken to directly
(d) often does not follow through on instructions and fails to finish school work, chores, or duties in the workplace (not due to oppositional behavior or failure to understand instructions)
(e) often has difficulty organizing tasks and activities
(f) often avoids, dislikes, or is reluctant to engage in tasks that require sustained mental effort (such as schoolwork or homework)
(g) often loses things necessary for tasks or activities (e.g., toys, school assignments, pencils, books, or tools)
(h) is often easily distracted by extraneous stimuli
(i) is often forgetful in daily activities
(2) hyperactivity-impulsivity: six (or more) of the following symptoms of hyperactivity-impulsivity have persisted for at least 6 months to a degree that is maladaptive and inconsistent with developmental level: (emphasis added)
Hyperactivity
(a) often fidgets with hands or feet or squirms in seat
(b) often leaves seat in classroom or in other situations in which remaining seated is expected
(c) often runs about or climbs excessively in situations in which it is inappropriate (in adolescents or adults, may be limited to subjective feelings of restlessness)
(d) often has difficulty playing or engaging in leisure activities quietly
(e) is often "on the go" or often acts as if "driven by a motor"
(f) often talks excessively
Impulsivity
(g) often blurts out answers before questions have been completed
(h) often has difficulty awaiting turn
(i) often interrupts or intrudes on others (e.g., butts into conversations or games)
(These are readable at http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/adhd.htm)
Be cautioned that many of these behaviors are part of childhood and can pass quickly as the child develops. This is the reason for the six month minimum of observing the behaviors. For parents and educators, six months can be a long time to watch and try alternatives, but it is the better than a missed diagnosis and unneeded medication.
When considering whether anyone meets the criteria for a diagnosable disorder, the diagnosing professional is ethically bound to do a complete rule out any other factors. As parents, you are entitled to see this rule out of all other possible options. Ask questions, be informed, and make a researched decision regarding your child’s mental well-being.
I told you earlier of a recent conversation I had with a family and their “ADD” child. After listening to the history of loss and abandonment, the child’s intellectual prowess and ability to focus on long projects, I realized that this was a child suffering from complicated grief, anxiety, and stress (similar to an anxiety disorder) which can often be brought on by fear of failure or social panic due to their own inner insecurities. This anxiety inhibits the logic brain functioning, and triggers an adrenaline surge that makes sitting and focusing very difficult. Consider your own emotional and mental condition when faced with a sales presentation, public speaking event, or any stress-inducing moment, particularly when you are feeling less then acceptable for the event.
For a child, school can be a very frightening place. Demands and performance expectations increase the potential for failure. Social acceptance makes every action and outcome vital to your existence. Teachers are generally very nurturing, but can become a very threatening for a child in their roles of instructor, disciplinarian, evaluator for that class. The teacher and school officials demeanor might trigger fears in the child from associated memories unseen by the outside world. All of these factors lead to conditions of anxiety and not ADD.
Finally, I want to address what I feel is a deeper concern often completely over shadowed by the ADD/ADDHD prevalence, and that is the brain of the gifted child. I know that all parents believe that their children are exceptional, but the mind and behavior of the gifted child brings with it challenges for the teacher, the school, and the home. These children will mirror many of the characteristics of the ADD/ADHD child when they are not stimulated. Lack of mental engagement bores the gifted mind. These children wander, get mouthy when the teacher asks a question, or refuses to do work that they feel is tedious and below them. A few years ago I watched as a gifted child was doing a homework assignment and instead of filling in the missing word from the sentence, drew a picture of the word. Ultimately, this child wrote synonyms and antonyms for the word out of boredom with the task. In a classroom setting (or employment) these attempts to invigorate the mind and occupy the intellect are seen as defiant or obstinate, and can lead to misleading others. These behaviors will appear to be inattentive. Perception is that the child is unable to remain on task. The reality and the challenge, is that they are mentally bored and need stimulation. Their brains are different than the others in the class.
From "What to Expect When You’re Raising a Gifted Child: a handbook for parents of gifted children" Published by the Ohio Association for Gifted Children the following list outlines characteristic behaviors for the gifted child. Particularly focus on the similarities between the listed concerns in the AD(H)D lists and the Negative behavior list here.
The Gifted Child
Characteristic Positive Behavior Negative Behavior
Learns rapidly/easily Memorizes and masters basic facts quickly Gets bored easily, resists
drill, disturbs others
Reads intensively Reads many books and uses library on own Neglects other
responsibilities
Advanced vocabulary Communicates ideas well Shows off, invokes peer
resentment
Retains a quantity of Ready recall and responses Monopolizes discussions
information
Long attention span Sticks with a task or project Resists class routine,
dislikes interruptions
Curious, has a variety of Asks questions, gets excited about ideas Goes on tangents, no follow-
through interests
Works independently Creates and invents beyond assigned tasks Refuses to work with others
Alert and observant Recognizes problems Impolitely corrects adults
has a good sense of humor Able to laugh at self Plays cruel jokes or tricks
on others
Comprehends, recognizes Able to solve social problems alone Interferes in the affairs of
other relationships
High academic achievement Does school work well Brags, egotistical, impatient
with others
Fluent, verbal facility Forceful with words, numbers Leads others into negative
behavior
leads peers in positive ways Individualistic asserts self and ideas Has few friends, stubborn in
beliefs
has a sense of own uniqueness Self motivated, self-sufficient requires minimum Is overly aggressive,
challenges teacher
direction or help authority
Behavioral concerns pose a problem for any parent or teacher regardless of the reason. Finding the correct cause and intervention is time consuming and requires investigation outside of the standard checklist diagnostic. As parents, we owe it to our children to do all we can for them, before we rely on a medication, if there is an alternate route or cause.
In coming posts, I will address the underlying causes of the challenging behaviors that these kids present and how parents can effectively assist the child in over coming these struggles. Many good kids are set off on terribly destructive paths and do not need to be, if the best options were presented and provided. Don't miss out on your opportunity to provide the best chance for your child. Take us up on our Success Strategies Harmonized package with Brainwave Optimization and see what living is really like.
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Whether it is baseball, soccer, wrestling, football, or just back to school the metaphor is the same. That walk from the safety and security of the dugout to the batters box at home plate is the longest and most terrifying walk your child can take. How you manage their fears, your own trepidation, and the potential outbursts will be the most important contribution you can make.
Last week I met with an old friend. It has been years since we sat and really talked. Eventually,the conversation turned to stories of children and accomplishments/struggles.
He related to me an event that recently happened during his daughter's soccer match. All the girls on one team lined up to participate in a shootout facing the goalie so that each could take their kick my friend told me about a young girl far down on the line who likely would not even have to kick the ball who immediately burst into tears panicking over the potential stress and failure if she were to take a chance. My friend was confused by this and found it incredibly overdramatic for such a simple thing as a shootout where she would kick the ball towards the goalie hoping to get it past them. As I heard the story I began to see a young girl terrified and afraid of what it would be like to return to secure safe haven of our dugout if she missed her kick. I then began to wonder what it must of been like for her to leave the bench and head to the soccer field and what stresses and fear of failure she must've carried with her to react in such a way.
The fear of the unknown is one of the greatest challenges in stumbling blocks that any of us can experience. What if how can why would are all examples of the negative self talk I can oftentimes become rampant in our minds and keep us from achieving the great success that is capable of any of us. Build on top of that any lingering conversation that was had by a parent or a coach or even a teammate and this negative self talk can become even more damning. "How could you" "what were you thinking" "you know better" "are all examples of some of the terms that well intended and well-intentioned mentors often say to their young pupil. But each of these as a certain level of condescension that implies failure and intentional defeat on the part of the child.
When a child is leaving the safety of the dugout, they are exposing themselves to the vulnerability and the potential of failure. If they have been met with ridicule, shame, or excessive or abusive correction focusing solely on their lack or inability rather than their attempt and their possibility, the child will be faced with many uncertainties and the fear of failing that brings with it rejection and ridicule. Personalized shame can become the driving self talk shaping the child's actions. As parents and coaches of these children it is imperative that we do all that we shape their mindset to one of success and possibility. Learning the power and the potential that failure can bring will often increase a child's successes because it opens up their view of all possibility.
Three ways that any parent or mentor can interact with a child increasing their odds and the chances for success are:
1. Always address the child in the positive and with an attitude of success. One of the most defeating words in the English language is the word IF. "If you" brings with it the implication that they probably won't. Using the word WHEN expresses hope anticipation and potential. This subtle shift can often make a major difference.
2. Focus on what the child is doing correctly without badgering or harping on the deficits. The last thing that we want our child to think of as they head into a challenging and fearful situation is their last failure and everything that they do wrong. Our conversations with them and the words that we choose has a direct impact on shaping their self talk and the internal fortitude they carry with them.
3. Making sure they see us as a benefit and not a threat. In the book The Seven Principles of Positive Parenting I tell the story about my wrestling coach from high school. I lost a match because I did not follow his instructions and do exactly as he wanted me to do without ridicule and without shaming, he simply stated "if you do it the way that I tell you and you lose the losses on me. If you do it your own way and you lose the losses on you." He could've taken that chance to tell me everything in the match that I did wrong to point out all of the things that I could do next time that would make it better and increase my potential to win. Instead,he took the chance to welcome me back to the safety and security of the bench with all of my other teammates and counseled me instead of ridiculed me. I saw him as a true mentor and a friend knowing that he would never leave me astray, and he would always help me feel successful even when I failed. He did not candy coat anything. You do when you didn't do it correctly. But he also recognized that there was a distinct time for correction and counsel, and even more important time for nurture, support, and encouragement.
As we all get ready to send their children back to school for another year, or for some, to send your child to school for the first time, their walk from the safe haven and security of the dugout of your home to that vulnerable and dangerous place of the playing field where balls are being thrown at them and people are constantly trying to tag them out is a frightening and overwhelming experience. By following these three steps stated above you will increase the success of your child and their future successes by ensuring that they carry with them the positive and empowering self talk that you have given to them.
Until I write again please remember that,
"No relationship was ever harmed through validation and reflection."
Brett
P.S. To get my book at 30% off be sure to visit www.theartandjoy.com/book it is currently on a prerelease cell of $12 until September 15 when orders will be placed and the book will normally sell for at least $18.
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Chore Chart Tracking and How to Motivate Kids 
is a perpectual conversation with parents young and old. The biggest problem is that there is no single method that will always work with every child. If you have multiple children of varying ages, you will likely need to combine several ideas to make a system that works in your home. In this article, I will give you 3 tricks to making chore charts and rewards systems more effective and more equitible in order to minimize the frustration you gete when you say, "I should have just done it myself!"
Memebers of The Art and Joy had a special teleconference on chores and the adult relationship. Many of the concepts we covered cross over into the adult child relationship as well. You can get it in the members archive if you missed it.
Chores are a vital and difficult part of parenting. We all want and need to teach our children the value of work. Chores and expectations for a child to help can begin as soon as the child is old enough to understand simple commands and act on their own. There really is no reason that you can not expect your two year old to start helping with the cleaning of toys and books after play. The most important things to remember when expecting a child to start doing chores is the difference between adult perfect and child ability perfect. They are different. I know that might sound odd to have to point out, but having worked with many parents helping them understand that adult clean and child clean are vastly different has taught me that i can never leave it out of the conversation. Look at what is most important when you are getting a child to help around the house. The "WHY" and the "WHAT" of the job. Hopefully these will be that you are teaching them to learn a skill with incremental developmental growth and that you are nurturing and encouraging their sense of accomplishment and success along the way. Whether the toys are all in the right boxes or socks are paired to the right mate is irrelavant really when the child is just starting out with a new task.
Trick 1 of mastering the chore chart and reward system.
A recent post to a Facebook page I follow and contibute to asked the question, "How can I get packed for a move with three little kids wanting to help?" The posting parent wanted to let the kids feel helpful, but at the same time needed to get things done. The littlest was not making the process easy at all.
Many times the critical needs of the moment, be it moving, vacation, doing chores, or preparing for special occasions can really make parenting a nightmare. The last thing anyof us want to do is hurt the feelings of our child when all they are doing is trying to help. But what can you do in these times of adult stress so that you do not pass the stress on to your child or become abusing out of frustration. Here are 3 simple solutions that you can do to really impact the outcome for you and the child.
1. Make the packing a game. packing up a home is a major chore, even for adults. The last thing we need os to let our stress and frustration spill out onto the kids. By making the event a game it lessens the stress and includes those ever so eager helping hands. here are a couple of ways to make a game out of the chore.
a. Create a scavenger hunt. Tell the kids that they need to find 1 of this or 2 of that and bring them right back to you. This will assure that they are not getting breakables, and also make sure that they are not under foot so you can work on your list.
b. Race. Does it really matter if the socks are folded or even match when you are packing? I hope not. There are far more imortant things to worry about than little things like folded underwear and matched socks. Give the child a box and a specific clothing item. Tell them you are going to work on your box and race and you will time them to see how long it takes to fill the box. This playful way of dealing with mundane things will ease the bourden and involve the kids in the task.
2. Schedule the "heavy lifting" work for nap times and play dates. Lets be real. There are times in the moving process when the kids just need to go. It is better for everyone. Since you are moving, they will want to have "one last visit" with friends anyway, so schedule play dates and then go to work on the fragile, big, and difficult items. You will feel less stress and they will not be effected by the chaos or get underfoot triggering a flurry of undesired and un intended verbal of physical reactions.
3. Ask your self these very important and universal questions.
Why do I care? It is important to put into perspective our own emotional and mental reactions to things - especially our reactions to the children. When we ask "Why do I care about ...?" we are inviting our subconscious to reply. This can be a very interesting conversation if we are ready to listen.
What does it matter? Some things are just not as important as others. Your childs emotional and mental welbeing and your own emotional stress level are far more important than that vase or grandma's cookie jar. As hard as it is to hear that sometimes, your children are going to outlast those things anyway. By keeping that in perspective, you free yourself from the potential frustration and anger that are looming around the corner,
Ultimately, you want to make the move as enjoyable and event free as possible. When you follow these 3 simpole suggestions you will be on your way to maintaing the emotional attachment your children need for success.
There is so much more when you join The Art and Joy of Parenting. Basic memberships start at $30 a month and you get access to the vast library of growing infomation in the resource center, a monthly newsletter loaded with more tips and stories just like this, and access to a monthly teleconference focusing on one of the 7 Principles to Positive Paranting from Brett's Book of the same name. Charter members to The Art and Joy get a digital copy of the book when they join.
Go to www.TheArtandJoy.com/parenting to enroll. The free book will only be available for a very limited time.
As the Independence Day celebrations begin this week, I wanted to express my thoughts about keeping the spirits high and the chaos low.
Fireworks are some of the best fun any of us had when we were young. Granted, real sparklers with glowing wires do not exists anymore, b ut he fun can still be the same. Fountains, screamers, and smoke bombs all make for fun and excitement for old and young. But never a year goes by that there is not tragedy or sadness on such a joyful day. The problems that tend to occur on the 4th of July can most often be avoided with a little pre planning by the adults. If you are preparing for a major full day event and have little children (and in this case, even upwards to 10 can be little) consider planning some quite time and even naps in the heat of the afternoon.
1. We were at a party a few years ago that had been going all day. Anxious and excited for the fireworks show promised the kids were forcing themselves to stay awake well past normal bed time. A couple of the kids were getting very tired and cranky, while the older kids were getting restless and bored. As we waited for dark to finally fall, mayhem had started with exhausted children crying and parents getting upset that they were going to miss the "big show" because the kids were tired. In the heat of the afternoon is a great time to hibernate in the coolness a basement for movie time. The lights down and the relaxation can drop these kids into a nap that will give them energy for the rest of the night. Even if they do not sleep they will be using less energy trying to stay cool while playing. This can make a world of difference when the night comes on, and the fireworks begin.
2. Before the hour for fireworks had come, the older kids at the party had already started a couple of squabbles due to the over rambunctious play. Boredom and anticipation can mix to make a volatile reaction. Between the time when dinner at the party is finished and the fireworks show begins can be brutally long for the younger crowd. Even adults have been known to fade away and give up. This is a perfect time for organized group activities with order and adult control. It is never wise to let the kids have uncontrolled run for too long. Plan for games or other group involvement until the awaited fun begins.
3. For the adults. This is not a time to let yourself "go on vacation". I remember a fireworks party a year or two back when many of the adults had gotten tired (some were drunk), and they decided that since the fireworks were just fountains that the kids could do them fine with only a few adults. The remaining supervising adults were over run with little eager pyromaniacs. They became overwhelmed and soon the kids were letting off fireworks with little supervision. It did not take long before a couple fountains in the wrong places were causing a lot of excited running and yelling from the adults. Make the fireworks a cooperative experience with everyone involved. There really needs to be a couple of adults doing nothing but crowd control.
Bottom line is this. Be aware of the energy level of the kids and your self. Do not start too early and take breaks along the way. Independence Day should be fun. And with just a little bit of planning it can be. As discussed in The Art and Joy of Parenting, making special/situational rules can make all the difference. These are the types of tips and tools you will receive on a monthly basis when you join the Parenting Coaching/Mentoring group www.theartandjoy.com.